Happy Alaska Day to everyone with a parka and a grudge!

On this day in 1867, the United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia, all thanks to Secretary of State William H. Seward, who negotiated the whole deal for $7.2 million, about 2 cents an acre. 

Everybody back home roasted him for it. President Andrew Jackson scoffed it off as a “polar bear garden.” Others called it “Seward’s Icebox,” like the man went to Costco for paper towels and came home with a glacier. Then they found gold. Then they found oil. Then they found an entire Discovery Channel lineup. Point is, the internet would’ve ratioed William Seward into the sun, and he was right. 

So this week’s issue is all hot takes, and if you hate a few of them, GREAT. Hold onto that feeling for 150 years and get back to me.

In 1633, the Church put Galileo on trial for saying the Earth moves around the Sun and sentenced him to house arrest for the rest of his life. In 1992, a Pope formally admitted Galileo was right. 

That’s 359 years to say “my bad,” which is still faster than most brands answer a customer email. Legend says Galileo muttered “and yet it moves” on his way out of court, and historians doubt it. I choose to believe he said it under his breath, like a woman walking out of a meeting where her idea just got credited to Greg. 

So here lie my 13 hot takes, which is the unluckiest number there is, in the spookiest month of the year, from a woman with opinions. In 1633 they'd have skipped the trial and gone straight to the bonfire.

Go ahead, call the Inquisition. Prove me wrong, I dare ya!

— Sarah Suzuki Harvard

Norway hired a man to make things sh*tty, and he’s thriving

The Norwegian Consumer Council, an independent, government-funded nonprofit that advocates for consumer rights, (say alladat 3x fast) made a mockumentary about a man whose job title is “Enshittificator.” 

He comes from a proud family tradition of people who make things worse, and thanks to the internet, he gets to ruin things for millions of people at once. Love a nepo baby with a work ethic. 

In the first video, he cheerfully explains his job, then crashes his car because he refused to pay the subscription for his braking system. In the sequel, he meets Death in the hospital and the 2 of them go into business together. Death, whose retention rate is a perfect 100%, is honestly the ideal cofounder. 

Every SaaS company that moved a free button into a “Pro” tier should be forced to watch this on loop in a waiting room at max volume. A GOVERNMENT made funnier marketing than 90% of the brands it regulates. Norway, babe, you’re a natural.

h/t Cory Doctorow, who coined “enshittification” and collaborated with the nonprofit to launch the series. 10/10. chef’s kiss.

Alright, that’s my time. I’m the hot take your corporate enemy screenshots and sends to HR. See you next week.

— sarah suzuki harvard 🫡

Chat, are we cooked? Meta’s new AI agent Muse keeps a file on every person in your life and updates it hourly. HOURLY!!! My aunt downloads it once, and now there’s a digital sticky note on my page that reads “DO NOT LEND HER TUPPERWARE.” Like, Zuckerberg literally made a burn book on all of us and gave it googly eyes. At least Regina George wrote hers by hand with a glitter pen, like a real artisan.