Happy spooky Sunday, my little ghouls!!!

On this day in 1920, King Alexander of Greece died from a monkey bite. He tried to break up a fight between his dog and a palace monkey, and the monkey won. A KING. Crown, army, an entire country. Taken out by a guy who throws his own poop.

I relate, because I’ve lost to smaller primates. I once watched a 6-month campaign die in 1 afternoon because a VP named Kyle replied-all “not sure about this one 🤔” to 40 people. Kyle can’t read a P&L. Kyle throws his own poop. Kyle got promoted.

What every brand on the block is handing out this Halloween

Nobody trick-or-treats in New York. The children of this city are either collecting Kind bars from a doorman named Luis in a lobby on the Upper West Side, or they’re in Park Slope, ringing the bell of a $4 million brownstone where a woman named Juniper hands out raisins and a pamphlet about sugar.

So the adults built their own version. It’s called the Halloween bar crawl, and I’ve done it 6 years in a row like a woman who has learned nothing. You buy a $45 wristband, put on a costume from TikTok Shop that arrived smelling like a tire, and walk door to door through the East Village holding out a plastic cup, praying someone drops something good in it. Nobody ever does. You get a $14 vodka soda, a bathroom line that wraps around a guy dressed as a sexy traffic cone, and by 11:30 p.m. you’re crying on a curb outside Joe’s Pizza holding 1 garlic knot.

Which, now that I think about it, is exactly what it’s like to be a customer on the internet. Every brand on the block has its porch light on, and every single one is handing out something with a catch. I went door to door so you don’t have to. Here’s the haul.

• Apple. The candy costs $999. It’s the same candy as last year, slightly thinner, and it no longer comes with a wrapper “for the environment.”

• Airbnb. The candy is $3. The cleaning fee is $140. Before you leave, strip the bed, take out the trash, and load your wrappers into the dishwasher.

• Substack. The first half of the Twix is free. The second half is for paid subscribers. Every adult on this block is handing out half a Twix now, including your dentist and your ex, who “just felt called to write again.”

• Uber. A fun-size Milky Way for $38, because Halloween is surge night. The app said it would be ready in 4 minutes. Then 11. Then 4 again. Afterward, the Milky Way rates you 4.6 stars, which is how you find out the candy hates you.

• Spotify. A Reese’s, with a 30-second ad for a different Reese’s that plays halfway through unwrapping it. Hershey’s gets $0.003 for the whole thing and is expected to thank them on Instagram.

• Salesforce. 1 Starburst, available after you sign a 3-year contract. Unwrapping it requires an 18-month implementation and a consultant named Brett, who bills hourly and keeps the pink ones.

• Facebook. You ask, “is this candy still available?” The house says yes, leaves you on read, then sells it to a guy who offered half.

  

• Slack. A Tootsie Roll buried in a thread, inside a huddle, inside a channel you muted in 2023. You will never find it. 4 coworkers have already reacted to it with 👀.

• Notion. A gorgeous empty template called “Candy Tracker 2026” with 14 linked databases. There’s no candy. You make the candy yourself, and then you make a dashboard about the candy.

• TikTok. 1 Sour Patch Kid. You look up and it’s 3 hours later, you’ve eaten 400 of them, and you can’t remember your own name.

• LinkedIn. A fun-size Snickers, followed by 4 emails this week telling you “someone viewed your Snickers.” To find out who, upgrade to Premium.

• Google. Free candy, no catch. Then it follows you to every house on the block, and by midnight every porch is showing you ads for the Twix you already ate.

• Amazon. Your candy shows up in 14 separate boxes, 1 Skittle per box. The delivery photo shows it sitting on somebody else’s stoop.

• Instagram. An influencer is giving away Reese’s and is legally required to tell you it’s #ad, so she does, buried under 30 hashtags. Want to enter the candy giveaway? Link in bio. Oh, and 6 bot followers reply “🚀🚀 DM me this post.” 

• Starbucks. A Pumpkin Spice Kit Kat for $8.45. It’s been on the menu since August, when it was 91 degrees outside. The name on my wrapper says “SERA.”

• Zoom. You stand on the porch for 40 minutes yelling “can you hear me?” at a man frozen mid-blink.

• Canva. Every kid on the block is wearing the exact same costume because they all used the same template.

• X (RIP Twitter). Every kid on the porch is asking “@grok is this candy real?” Grok says it’s a Snickers. It’s a rock.

• storyarb. A full-size Snickers with a handwritten note confirming a human picked it out. The note is 1,100 words long and ends with a link to register for CommaCon. (Our week-long digital live sessions with the world’s best creators and experts on social… it’s gonna be sweet!)

Happy Halloween! Check your candy (and your subscription plans!) Every wrapper on this block has fine print.

— Sarah Suzuki Harvard

storyarb paid for its own roast

Yes, we’re giving our own show the “Actually Funny” slot this week. I’m aware this is like nominating yourself for prom queen, except we also paid for the DJ and held the prom in our sponsor’s office.

Last month at Crowd Work LIVE, storyarb hosted a comedy show, booked 5 professional comedians from SNL, The Daily Show, and the works, and then handed them a microphone and written permission to destroy the company that signed their checks.

I went first, because I believe in indicting yourself before anyone else gets the chance, and also so hopefully, HR would forget about my roast jokes by the time everyone else does theirs. 

taps head smart.

Watch the clip here.

Alright, that’s my time. I’m the girl dressed as a hot dog throwing up on your sidewalk. See you next week.

— sarah suzuki harvard 🫡

Chat, are we cooked? A Newburgh brewery caught a ghost on its security cams, and staff say the knives and trash cans move overnight. A historian thinks it could be Hugh Elwood, a fireman killed in an 1867 explosion when the building was an ironworks. So he’s worked the same kitchen for 159 years, still closes, still takes out the trash, and never once asked for a raise. Best employee in New York.