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🎤 Who are you at the company offsite?

Take the quiz. Your coworkers already know your answer.

Author

Sarah Suzuki Harvard
October 11, 2026

Live from New York, it's… Crowd Work Live! 

On this day in 1975, the greatest comedy brand in American history premiered under the name NBC's “Saturday Night,” like a bootleg handbag on Canal Street. That’s because ABC had already claimed "Saturday Night Live" for a variety show hosted by Howard Cosell, a sportscaster, which is like letting your CFO run the improv team. (Borrrrring!)

So, naturally, Cosell's show got canceled after 18 episodes, and NBC bought the name off its barely cold corpse. Then Lorne Michaels offered the Beatles $3,000 to reunite for a performance as a musical guest, upped it to $3,200 and a free hotel, and somehow that STILL isn't the lowest offer a comedian has accepted. I once did a corporate set for a Chipotle gift card. It had $7.73 on it. I'm still a little mad.

Last week, storyarb flew the whole team to Charleston for our offsite, and on the final night a ghost sat on the edge of my bed at The Dewberry and poked me in the ribs for an hour. (True story, I swear!) I've been ghosted by more prospects than anyone I know, and she's the first one who ever followed up. Somehow, that ranks around 7th…

Our CEO, Abby, the woman who approves this newsletter, artistically performed "Back That Azz Up" by Juvenile at karaoke with a tambourine and the calm composure of Martha Stewart walking out of federal prison in a hand-knit poncho. We sailed and drained a catamaran of every Diet Coke on board before lunch, while the dolphins circled the boat like they'd heard there was an open bar. (There was!) Then our relentless content strategist Abigail Yonker spent 4 straight days hunting the cast of Southern Charm across downtown Charleston like Bear Grylls tracking a snow leopard that does not want to be found.

Alas, Abigail never found her reality stars, but turns out she didn’t need to... Every offsite comes with its own cast (even though Bravo might not film yours), and by day 2 everyone knows which character you are except, maybe, you. 

So I made you a quiz. Consider it your 360 review (or an intervention). It’s time to finally be honest with yourself.

WHO ARE YOU AT THE COMPANY OFFSITE?

1. The offsite itinerary drops in Slack. You:
A
React with âś… in 4 seconds, then build a packing list with sub-bullets. You already know the hotel gym hours.
B
Skip straight to the word "karaoke," scream, and close Slack.
C
Do reverse math from the lobby call time to the exact minute you need to wake up.
D
Send back your own unofficial itinerary. It includes an airport Chili's.
 
2. Your camera roll the next morning looks like:
A
A perfectly centered group photo with everyone in company merch
B
14 blurry videos of your CEO with a tambourine
C
1 rooftop sunset, taken at 7:02 p.m., right before bed
D
A close-up of a wooden drink stirrer you've named
 
3. The team boards a day cruise. You:
A
 Brought sunscreen for everyone and already know the captain's name.
B
 Found the bar. The Diet Coke count is now whatever you leave behind.
C
 Fell asleep on deck before the boat left the dock.
D
 Asked the crew whether there's a secret menu.
 
4. What's your offsite drink order?
A
 A slightly dirty martini, ordered before you sat down.
B
 Whatever the person next to you is having, times 2.
C
 Sparkling water with lime, which you call a mocktail so nobody asks.
D
 A pickleback shot, at a bar that doesn't do pickleback shots.
 
5. It's the morning after. Where are you?
A
 In the lobby at 9:30 a.m., holding everyone's coffee orders, wondering where everyone is.
B
 Holding a Taco Bell wrapper and a tambourine you don't remember acquiring, while you ask the group chat who has Advil.
C
 Head to pillow until 9:55 a.m. You'll be in the lobby at 10 with wet hair.
D
 At the front desk, returning 6 keycards in a walk of shame.

You know where the night ends because you made the reservation. You packed layers and read the dress code twice. By the end of the trip, you've been thanked in 4 Slack threads, and you started planning next year's offsite on the flight home. Without you, 17 people would be standing in a lobby asking each other what time it is.

You don't plan the night, because the night reports to you. Your best work happens after 11 p.m. with a microphone in your hand. Colleagues who've worked with you for 3 years learn things about you in 1 evening. Your hangover has a hangover, and you'd do it all again Thursday.

The spiritual attendee is not to be confused with my Victorian-era child ghost that haunted me. Now, if you’re a “spiritual attendee,” you love your coworkers from 8 hours of sleep away. You RSVP to the brewery just to say you won't be there but are intrinsically curious. You show up to every activity in spirit and to about 60% of them in body. You're the only person who comes home rested, and nobody can forgive you for it.

Nobody knows where you went for 2 hours, and you came back with a souvenir and a story nobody believes. You've made friends with a bartender, a stick, and at least 1 Southern Charm extra. If the hotel is haunted, the ghost picked you. Of course she did.

Our offsite came with a strict daily limit per person, expensed through Gusto, receipts required. Our office mother Lauren Layton took that sentence personally. Every expense report is a short story about what a person thinks they can get away with, and ours reads like a Russian novel where the ghost gets a line item. Somebody in finance is going to open this and start throwing things. 

(We post these on Instagram too, in case you need something to look at besides your own expense receipts.)

Converse made 1 shoe for 109 years and STILL found a way to make it racist


This week on WTF ARE THEY THINKING?!

Converse, a company that has made basically 1 shoe since 1917, posted an Instagram ad of K-pop singer Karina holding a pair of Chucks. Look at it with your own 2 eyes. A white triangle of light sits on her skirt in the exact shape of a KKK hood, and the sneakers dangle from her fingers like a lynching victim's feet. I’m not saying this is the case, but most dog whistles are pitched for dogs… and well, every human with a pulse heard this one.

Like how the hell did this even happen? I've watched a brand spend 6 weeks choosing between 2 shades of beige for a tote bag. Converse had that same headcount stare at this photo and call it a vibe.

Anyways, the sneaker brand pulled it, said "we got this wrong," which is what my 4-year-old nephew says after he pees in the pool at the YMCA. They also declined to say how it got approved. So either somebody did this on purpose, or a Nike-owned brand employs 0 people with eyes. Pick 1. Both are fireable.

See something, say something

See something un-funny on the feeds? Nominate it by replying to this email.

Alright, that’s my time. I’m haunted by a Victorian-era ghost child. See you next week.

— sarah suzuki harvard 🫡

Chat, are we cooked?  Stravito partnered with Langston to generate AI buyer personas that simulate how consumers respond to marketing concepts. We went from focus groups of 8 strangers eating free sandwiches behind a 2-way mirror to focus groups of nobody. Fake customers now react to fake ads written by fake copywriters, and the only real human left in the loop is the CFO who gets the invoice. Corporate capitalism strikes again!

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